Poem in motion

Soren Andersen, for the Northwest Guardian

Something creepy this way comes. It’s “Beowulf.”

The most ancient epic poem in the English language has been fed through the most up-to-date computer systems money can buy, and the result looks spookily strange.

Set in Denmark in the time of the Vikings, the tale of a rough-hewn hero (British actor Ray Winstone plays him) battling three malign monsters over the course of a long and violent life is a touchstone of Western literature. To anyone with even a passing familiarity with the poem, it’s all here.

King Hrothgar’s grand mead hall, filled with hard-drinking warriors. Beowulf’s knock-down, drag-out wrestling match with the monster Grendel. And, of course, Grendel’s raging mom, seeking vengeance.

What’s strange and spooky is how the human characters look, Many look like plastic dolls. All look like they’re not fully alive.

Director Robert Zemeckis has once again resorted to the so-called “performance capture” technology he used in his 2004 yuletide hit, “The Polar Express.” This technique creates computer-rendered “synthespians” that look just like real people … only they don’t.

The human characters have been rendered to look as real as possible, with pores and hairs digitized down to the last little follicle. But everyone knows how a real person looks, and we recognize instantly when the image is not quite right. It draws attention to itself. It takes you out of the story. It makes the picture seem like a stunt project.

Adding to that sense of movie-as-stunt is Zemeckis’ decision to film it in 3-D. Ooh, watch out for that spear thrusting at you out of the screen. (Several theaters in the area will show it in the 3-D format. Please check local listings.)

The overall effect of this is to make “Beowulf” seem like a giant 3-D computer game – a pretty exciting computer game, to be sure.

Zemeckis has given Winstone, a rather portly fellow in real life, six-pack abs and hearty-hero speeches, full of guttural bombast. The director has his hero wrestle Grendel unarmed and naked. In a manner reminiscent of an Austin Powers movie, Zemeckis conceals Beowulf’s, uh, mighty sword with strategically placed objects: furniture, someone’s elbow, etc.

The fight scenes look like something out of the “Shrek” movies: digitized dolls being hurled hither and yon by a shrieking demon.

Anthony Hopkins plays Hrothgar as a balding, bellowing fellow clad in a sheet that doesn’t do a good job of concealing nakedness. His queen, played by Robin Wright Penn, looks like Medieval Barbie.

The only actor who doesn’t look unnatural in digital form is Angelina Jolie, who plays Grendel’s mom. No doubt that’s because Jolie in her natural state already looks like she was created in a computer. With those outsized lips and va-va-voom physique covered in gold paint like a Bond girl from “Goldfinger,” she coos coolly to Beowulf. She’s a siren who can drive a strong man to seriously consider the possibilities of interspecies romance.

Oh, Mama. Old Beowulf doesn’t stand a chance.

Beowulf * * *

Director: Robert Zemeckis

Cast: Ray Winstone, Angelina Jolie, Anthony Hopkins, John Malkovich, Robin Wright Penn and Brendan Gleeson

Running Time: 1:54

Rating: PG-13; violence, sexual situations, nudity